Not so high on the 'Hog'

I just got back from a vacation in San Antonio, during which the kids and I had time for one movie (not counting the very clever 3-D movie "Pirates," starring Leslie Nielsen, at Sea World.

My boys are 10 and 14 and they really wanted to see "300." So did I. But an R-rating for blood-gushing fight scenes (and stern looks from my wife for even CONSIDERING taking them) convinced me to look more toward the PG-13 part of the movie marquee.

The choices were slim. The older one didn't want to see "Bridge to Terabithia." Everybody was lukewarm about "Ghost Rider."

So we settled on the lukewarm choice of "Wild Hogs." This is a movie that faces a built-in contradiction. One of my rules of movie-going is that if it has William H. Macy in the cast, it's going to be good. But I have another rule that if it has Tim Allen in it, chances are that it'll suck.

The Tim Allen rule carried the day in a movie that's all about gay jokes and goofy sight gags until the weekend warrior comedian biker quartet comes face to face with a mean biker gang led by Ray Liotta. Then it gets way too serious, way too fast and not all the gay jokes in Texas could save it.

There are just too many great R-rated movies out there. And "Grindhouse" opens Friday. The new Tarantino-Rodriguez bloodfest is getting great reviews.